The Unshakable Self: Building Identity on Being, Not Having

In my prior career as a trust and estates attorney, I guided countless individuals through the process of deciding how to distribute their "stuff" after their deaths. Few clients welcome the need for estate planning. Like a visit to the dentist, drafting a will is often an obligatory but joyless experience. This is understandable—in addition to its expense and complexity, estate planning is inevitably accompanied by an unwelcome acknowledgment of one’s mortality and the solemn summarization of a lifetime of earnings into a few pages of text.

Witnessing each of my clients make decisions about the post-mortem disposition of their assets served as a continuous reminder to me of the temporary nature of even our most prized possessions. Eventually, every single item in our closets, every car we’ll ever drive, and every dollar that reaches our bank accounts will one day belong to someone else if not first consumed or destroyed along the way. And yet, despite this transitory nature of our belongings, far too often we think of our identity in terms of our tangible and intangible possessions.

Following years of observations of how people respond to the task of evaluating the future of their belongings, I noticed a pattern—albeit completely anecdotal evidence—that only now, in retrospect, makes sense. Clients who were firmly attached to their stuff, proudest of their life’s accomplishments, and the most eager to share their professional or social status with me in our planning meetings were frequently a breeze to plan for. Many of these clients had strong feelings about how their assets should be distributed to future generations and could inform me what they wanted without significant prompting. However, clients who cared far less about their possessions were generally not as concerned about the disposition of their estates and thus less focused on making the nuanced decisions within their estate plans. They would regularly defer to default planning decisions. As a young attorney, I appreciated the direct approach of the first group and sometimes grew frustrated with the nonchalance of the latter. But looking back, I now recognize that the meetings I had with the second group were often more enjoyable on a personal level—these clients were typically more eager to talk about the parts of their lives outside of their assets that gave them fulfillment and joy. Based on this experience, I believe that the journey toward understanding and appreciating our true selves begins when we shift our mindset from having to being. This paradigm shift, although challenging, opens up a path to discovering the essence of who we really are beyond the ephemeral and distracting accumulation of possessions.

To Have or to Be? The Eternal Question

Few have examined this juxtaposition of identity more eloquently than Erich Fromm, a mid-20th-century German psychologist and philosopher and author of the seminal work on this subject, To Have or To Be? Although Fromm wrote this book nearly 50 years ago, his ideas remain as fresh and relevant as ever. Fromm (1976) posits that modern society's obsession with possession and accumulation has led us astray, blurring the line between what we have and who we are. He argues that this confusion not only distorts our self-perception but also impedes our capacity for genuine happiness and fulfillment.

According to Fromm, our tendency to view our world through what we have isn’t limited to tangible objects. We frequently define ourselves by intangible ideas such as our wealth, job title, relationships, and social status. Thus, when we lack these things, we’re likely to perceive ourselves as incomplete. Fromm further suggests that focusing solely on having leads to suffering in three distinct ways:

If we tie our identity to what we have, everything we possess is at risk of being lost, and we enter a continuous state of insecurity and anxiety over this potential threat. We are never emotionally safe.
Competing for “things” pits us against one another in a zero-sum game. There is always someone more talented, in better shape, better looking, more successful, or more powerful than us. When we focus on having, we inevitably compare ourselves to others, which robs us of purpose and joy and also isolates us from our social and professional networks.
We chase pleasure, seeking to satisfy fleeting desires. When our happiness is dependent upon obtaining the next thrill, our excitement will inevitably give way to sadness.

Additionally, in what Fromm calls the “having mode,” relationships and interactions are often commodified, and personal value is measured by material success. If the meaning of life is to accumulate as much as possible, even people can be seen as things to be acquired. For example, we may talk more about having a husband or a wife than being married. Or, what we call “love” could merely be a means of manipulating others to get what we want.

In contrast, Fromm suggests we should aim to live our lives in the “being mode” where we focus on who we are above all else. While we are in the being mode, our purpose is to express who we are rather than what we have. This shift in mindset empowers us to embrace change because what truly matters is how we relate to the world and the satisfaction we find in our unique and authentic needs. Fromm further identifies three distinct advantages to living a life of being:

The “being” mindset creates self-confidence and a healthy sense of strength—no one can take away who you are, no matter what life throws at you.
When we’re free to appreciate things without striving to possess them, we more easily and frequently encounter shared goals with one another. We are open to new ideas and creativity. We don’t see counterarguments as threats to our own beliefs but rather as thoughts to consider and evaluate solely on their merits.
We cultivate fulfillment by expressing our ability to love, reason, create, and share. We are less likely to feel envy and more likely to feel admiration when those around us achieve success (Fromm, 1976).

Beyond material possessions, for some, the pursuit of professional success is not just a means to an end but an end in itself. When we devote our lives to climbing the corporate ladder or gaining the recognition of our professional peers, these pursuits may become deeply entangled with our sense of self. The idea that our value is measured by our achievements is a powerful mindset to challenge. Detaching our self-worth from our accomplishments is easier said than done. This difficulty stems, in part, from societal pressures that equate success with material wealth and professional achievements. Overcoming these pressures requires a conscious effort to redefine what success means on a personal level. It involves asking ourselves difficult questions about what truly brings us joy, fulfillment, and a sense of purpose beyond the superficial.

A Thought Experiment: Confronting Loss to Find Our True Selves

As we navigate the intricate process of shifting our focus from having to being, I'd like to propose an unconventional method to hasten transformation that has worked well in my own quest to build a stronger sense of being over having. This approach doesn't rely on traditional exercises of self-reflection or mindfulness practices. Instead, it invites us into a more vivid and immersive experience—a thought experiment that challenges the very foundations of our identity and values.

Imagine a scenario where everything you've worked hard to acquire vanishes overnight. Your business crumbles, your investments fail, you’re let go from your job, your partner leaves you, your best friend betrays your trust, or your social standing evaporates. This thought experiment, while unsettling, is not meant to induce panic but to prompt introspection. If such losses stripped away all you have, who would you be? How would you rebuild? What strengths would you rely upon to find new sources of purpose and joy?

If you struggle to answer these questions or if the idea of losing everything is unbearable, it may signal a need to deepen your connection to your intrinsic worth—your sense of being. On the other hand, if you realize that once the agony of loss subsides, you will find a way to rebuild your life, focusing on relationships, creativity, and personal growth, you're likely already living in the "being mode" that Fromm advocates for.

This scenario forces us to confront some of our deepest fears of loss, not to dwell on them, but to understand that our true worth is not tied to our possessions or status. At its core, this is an exercise in disaster planning—a tool to offer a structured approach to identifying potential risks, vulnerabilities, and the actions required to mitigate or respond effectively to unforeseen events. However, it's important to note that engaging in this type of thought experiment isn't suitable for everyone, particularly if it feels akin to rumination or if it exacerbates feelings of anxiety and distress. It’s crucial to recognize and honor where you are in your personal journey. For some, looking into the abyss of potential loss can be a transformative exercise in understanding. Yet, for others, especially those who may not be in a place where confronting deep fears is beneficial, it can do more harm than good (e.g., Lilienfeld, 2007). It's essential to approach this process with self-compassion and mindfulness, acknowledging that the path to discovering one's true self and building resilience can take many forms.

But for those who are able to engage in this exercise, I believe this thought experiment serves three critical purposes in our journey toward finding a sense of being:

Identity Building | By contemplating loss, we're forced to ask ourselves who we are beyond our titles, possessions, and achievements. This introspection reveals our core values and the aspects of our lives that provide true meaning and satisfaction.
Resilience | Understanding that our essence remains intact regardless of external circumstances fosters resilience. This realization empowers us to face life's inevitable challenges with grace, knowing that our true selves can neither be diminished nor taken away.
Gratitude | By imagining life without our possessions and achievements, we cultivate a deeper sense of gratitude for what remains without them. We are grateful for who we are as individuals—for our strengths and values. We are grateful for being ourselves.

Conclusion

The journey from having to being is not about renouncing material wealth or worldly success. Instead, it's about reevaluating what truly matters in our lives. It's about recognizing that while possessions and achievements can bring temporary happiness, lasting fulfillment comes from within—from our values, our relationships, and our contributions to the world.

Erich Fromm's distinction between having and being offers a profound insight into the nature of happiness and fulfillment. By engaging in the thought experiment of losing everything, we're not only preparing ourselves for the uncertainties of life but also rediscovering our true selves. This process helps us build an identity based on being, cultivate resilience in the face of adversity, and foster a deep sense of gratitude for the present moment. And in a society that habitually values us for what we have rather than who we are, choosing to live a life of being is a radical act of self-assertion. It's a declaration that our worth is inherent and unshakeable, not contingent upon our possessions or status.

References

Fromm, E. (1976). To have or to be? Harper & Row.

Lilienfeld, S. O. (2007). Psychological treatments that cause harm. Perspectives on psychological science, 2(1), 53–70.

About the author | Ross Bruch (C’22) is a Senior Wealth Planner at the private bank, Brown Brothers Harriman (BBH). Ross works with and advises successful individuals and business owners on the preservation, growth, and transfer of wealth. Prior to joining BBH, Ross was in private legal practice at a large Philadelphia law firm where he focused on estate and gift tax planning, tax-exempt organizations, and closely held business succession planning.

Ross holds a Master in Applied Positive Psychology, an M.S. in criminology, and a B.A. in psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Ross also holds a J.D. from the University of Pennsylvania Law School and an LL.M. in taxation from the Temple University Beasley School of Law.

He lives in Philadelphia with his wife Carolyn and his two children, Ellie (11) and Luke (9). You can reach Ross at Ross.Bruch@bbh.com or through LinkedIn.