Using Positive Psychology to Connect in a Polarized World
The last several years have shown how political polarization has harmed our nation; perhaps most specifically in the damage done to our relationships and social connections. However, positive psychology also has something to offer that can help enhance wellbeing in our communities. While interventions at the micro-level are the focus of much of positive psychology, since its founding positive psychology has also been interested in flourishing at the societal level (Seligman & Csikszentmihalyi, 2000).
Over the last year I have been able to apply a MAPP Capstone project in Midland, Michigan. Below I will outline my own personal journey with using positive psychology to help enhance my connections across the political divide, and how our community has also worked to build bonds among individuals with political differences.
Connection Through Our Strengths
My husband, Mike, and I are best friends with a couple we have shared most of our adult life with. I’ll call them “Jack” and “Diane”. Jack and I have always had spirited debates on a variety of topics as we hold fairly different social and political views. With COVID, social unrest, and the looming election in 2020, I found myself shying away from these debates, as frankly they were exhausting to me. I even sheepishly admitted to Jack that I blocked him on social media for a few months to reduce my own anxiety level. We spent a lot of time together that summer and our conversations during that time were fairly superficial.
It came to a head one day when Mike and I were getting ready to go out to dinner with Jack and Diane. I didn’t want to go. I was so tired of what I felt was Jack’s ignorance and refusal to listen, it literally brought me to tears. When my husband said, “Kathryn, you need to get your s— together. Someday we'll look back and it will be funny,” I shot back, “There is no way this will ever be funny.” Interestingly though, Mike’s comment was the solution.
While getting my “s— together” on the drive I stewed, which led to some soul searching. What do I tell others when faced with challenge and conflict? I tell them to rely on their strengths. And in that moment, it dawned on me: the only way I would be able to enjoy dinner would be to utilize my top character strengths. If nothing else, at least I would be comfortable being me. Fortunately, I know my signature strengths by heart. So I thought, “Kathryn, be curious, be kind, remember you can love someone even if you disagree, toss in some humor (Thanks, Mike!), and be zesty!” Honestly, my primary motivation was selfish. I wanted to enjoy my dinner. I had no idea it would lead to a breakthrough.
During dinner, the topic of white privilege came up. It became clear to me that there was some confusion at the table about the difference between having white privilege and being racist. I got curious and asked questions. I tried to put myself in someone else’s shoes. I expressed my thoughts on the difference in a kind way (I hoped) and added some humor to the mix when appropriate. Jack became very animated, wanting to hear more. He got curious, too.
Suddenly, Jack jumped up, literally ran around the table, and gave me a hug. “You’re back!” he exclaimed. At that moment, I understood. To Jack, I had not been myself all summer. I wasn’t being kind, I wasn’t being curious. I wasn’t being loving. I wasn’t being zesty. And I certainly wasn’t being funny. I wasn’t living any of my strengths. He noticed. He missed me. What was certainly a strange moment to witness for the others at the table, for Jack and me it broke down barriers. We talked for hours that evening. When we both cultivated curiosity, we could see beneath the rhetoric we both had been spewing. We realized that our core values are actually the same; our way of achieving them was the difference. To this day, our relationship is better for that one fateful night.
Connecting Others
At the same time, five members of the 2020 Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program (Hillary Chan, Liz Corcoran, Robin Johnson, Caitlin Satterfield, and Felix Yerace) were working on this very topic. Their Service Learning Project for my community fit right in with my experience with Jack: “To Excellence and Thriving: Developing Civility and Connection in Midland, Michigan”. The meaningful curriculum they developed has made a positive difference in our community. We have two robust Rotary organizations with several hundred members. Both Rotary programs identified a core team of facilitators to be trained in the delivery of the curriculum. The four-month series consisted of four lessons titled: Introduction to Conflict, Four Corners, This I Believe, and Communication and Connections.
More specifically, the first session focused on people’s relationship with conflict and encouraging a more healthy relationship with healthy conflict. Next, the Four Corners activity led the group through how to hold curious conversations when discussing topics with opposing viewpoints. The third lesson, This I Believe, involved a personal values exploration and discussion. Finally, the Communication and Connections activity involved learning more about the importance of belonging and building social capital. Overwhelmingly, the feedback was positive and Rotarians wanted more.
Broadening Beyond Belonging
Over the course of the next year, a newly formed Rotary Wellbeing Team took those four lessons and expanded them to include even more concepts: mindfulness, relationships, listening, and extending the work on values and belonging. As ambassadors to the community, the Rotary clubs embraced this training as a way to develop foundations of curiosity and connection and continue to work on fostering and facilitating curious conversations. This work has had ripple effects all over our community!
We feel immense gratitude to the MAPP team who sparked and supported this work in Midland. Hillary, Liz, Robin, Caitlin, and Felix, thank you. Your work has been instrumental in helping us to move the needle on Midland’s vision: Together. Forward. Bold. An exceptional place where everyone thrives. In the words of the MAPP team, we “do this by providing people with a sense that they belong, that they matter, and that they can engage constructively with their fellow citizens.”
References:
Seligman, M. E. P. & Csikszentmihalyi, M. (2000). Positive psychology: An introduction. American Psychologist, 55(1), 5–14.
About the Author: Kathy Snyder (C’10) is the Midland Area Wellbeing Coalition Coordinator. In addition to over 25 years of experience in education, she holds master’s degrees in both counseling and applied positive psychology. Kathy has certifications in resilience, change, diversity and inclusion, psychological safety, coaching, and PERMAH Survey administration. She is also a co-creator and teacher of two Wellbeing Lab programs. Kathy is a member of the ROCK Center for Youth Development board, MAPP Alumni Association board, the Midland Community Success Panel, the Midland County Mental Health Coalition, and the Midland Communities of Excellence Steering Team.