Across the globe, since time immemorial, the most common ritual among humans has been the shared meal. Even before the dawn of humanity, eating was a social act. Our hunter-gatherer predecessors were more successful when they worked together and felt more secure when they cooked and ate their food together (Sutton, 2001).

Most people can recall the kitchen in their childhood home—perhaps a holiday table surrounded by the people most important to them. Or a meal with a colleague where they bonded over the food they ate, shared recollections, or had a memorable conversation. Eating is a universal human act. People may not always like each other. They may not get along or have much in common. Yet, we all have to eat.

In today’s busy world, mealtimes have become more about convenience and nutritional components rather than connection. We have broken food into its elements, but no one sits down to a meal of vitamins and nutrients. People have meals for more than the purely physical satiation of caloric intake. Humans seek emotional and psychological nourishment in addition to the physical response to hunger (Simmel, 1997). 

Between work, ‎school, traffic and after-school activities, sharing a meal seems to have been relegated to an afterthought. On the flip side, ‎loneliness, depression and mental health issues are on the rise, especially during and since the COVID-19 pandemic (Nutley et al., 2021). Many of us are all plugged in but completely disconnected. ‎That said, physical and emotional well-being should be the most important consideration in life. The best ‎way to achieve a positive balance: shared meals. 

What if there’s a way to get what we crave without it being an obligation or a chore? Sharing a meal is an ‎opportunity to slow down, de-stress, catch up, share stories, teach and learn, and most importantly, to bond. Many of us ‎are starved for social connections. So, what is the recipe?‎

The Importance of Shared Meals in Building Relationships

As humans, we are social beings who need to connect and cooperate (Haidt, 2006). Commensality (the act of eating together) is one of the oldest shared practices of the human experience (Fischler, 2011). Food affects every aspect of our being (Kroes et al., 2014). When people eat alone, they eat quickly, which not only slows down the metabolism, but can also cause feelings of isolation and depression (Wansink & Sobal, 2007). Close relationships can effectively predict well-being (Gable & Gosnell, 2011), and when people dine together, they naturally engage with their fellow diners.

Since the beginning of time, philosophers and scholars have emphasized that humans need close social ties to thrive. Aristotle (2020, p. 4) declared, "Man is by nature a social animal." John Donne (2012, p. 108) famously quipped, “No man is an island.” Even Henry Melville (1854, p. 226) stated, “A thousand fibres connect you with your fellow-men.” Human evolution relies heavily on prosocial behavior. Beyond physiology, attachment theory emphasizes the feelings that bind us together (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991), and social bonds are an innate need important for healthy development (Peterson, 2006). A child’s positive relationship with a caring and expressive adult is an essential source of emotional well-being and satisfaction with life (Haidt, 2006). The way kids relate to their caregivers connects firmly to how they behave in their adult relationships as well (Peterson, 2006). Strong, positive social connections increase our physical health and overall wellness (Gable & Gosnell, 2011). Healthy individuals rely on others throughout their lives to change and develop their strengths and capabilities, and even to mend weakness and vulnerability (Cozolino, 2006). We are hard-wired to connect to others.

People who belong to a group, team, or community are happier, more resilient, more optimistic, have fewer health problems and stress, and live longer (Prilleltensky & Prilleltensky, 2021). We thrive on connections with others, especially within the family unit. The family meal, a cornerstone of human tradition, is a time-honored practice that unites us in a shared experience, fostering emotional bonds, and creating lasting memories.

Growing up, I can vividly picture the kitchen where my family gathered for meals. The aroma of my mother's cooking and the laughter that filled the air remain etched in my memory. These shared moments around the dinner table brought us closer, strengthened our family identity, and provided a sense of comfort and belonging.

The Recipe for Stronger Relationships

To harness the potential of shared meals in enhancing relationships, a simple recipe is at our disposal: Forage. Fire. Feast. Flourish.

FORAGE | Know Your Food. Understanding the source of the food we consume is the first step. The choices we make regarding our diet impact our moods, energy levels, and overall health. When we prioritize nutritious, home-cooked meals, we invest in our family's well-being. There are ample opportunities to connect as family when at the grocery store, farmer’s market, or planting and harvesting a vegetable garden.

FIRE | Cook Together. Cooking requires parallel execution of multiple tasks—reading, measuring, physical exertion, toggling between tasks, remembering steps, etc.—propelling executive function and cognitive abilities (Doherty et al., 2015). Cooking interventions have been used to develop executive function planning in individuals with traumatic brain injury (Poncet et al., 2015), substance abuse (Raphael-Greenfield, 2012), and dementia (Fitzsimmons & Buettner, 2003).

In today's digital age, it's easy to become distracted by devices, television, and other gadgets. However, putting away these distractions and spending time in the kitchen together is an intimate, bond-forming experience. When our hands are on the products that come from the earth, we create memories and interact in a meaningful way.

FEAST | Family Mealtime. Hivishness—when people lose themselves and become part of a social organism—can increase engagement, social capital, loyalty, and productivity (Haidt, 2012). Shared meals are a way to create hive psychology. Breaking bread together promotes high quality connections and brings us back to our primal state when gathering and eating required community. Since hiving creates strong teams (Haidt, 2012), dining together can help families become super-organisms and encourages each member to act in a groupish way—to promote the family’s interests and compete together to achieve their goals (Haidt, 2012). Sharing food is a way to combat isolation and strengthen our social bonds.

The most studied aspect of commensality is the family meal, as families are the most fundamental commensal units (Charles & Kerr, 1990). Most of the work has focused on the frequency of family meals per week and the impact of family meals on nutritional health (Scander et al., 2021). Family meals are recognized as a key ingredient to socializing children and shaping them into competent members of society (Ochs & Shohet, 2006). A recent meta-analysis of family meals and health suggests that family meals may improve the nutritional health of children and impact their meal frequency in the future (Dallacker et al., 2018). Other studies suggest possible health correlates such as emotional well-being (Eisenberg et al., 2004; Harrison et al., 2015), improved nutritional health and outcomes (Berge et al., 2021; Eisenberg et al., 2004; Robson et al., 2020), higher consumption of fruits and vegetables (Cooke et al., 2004), and reduced engagement in high-risk activities (Skeer & Ballard, 2013). Research suggests that regular family meals may enhance the sense of connectedness and family identity experienced by mothers of young children (Evans & Rodger, 2008).

The family meal, and not merely the act of eating, may foster a protective effect, though a causal device has not yet been identified. Although mealtimes are not always pleasant, they do provide a sense of belonging (Absolom & Roberts, 2011; Dorrer et al., 2010; Hunt et al., 2011). This commensal activity creates an opportunity for face-to-face, ongoing communication. It is a venue for members of the family to come together and share feelings, ideas or just a description of their day (Absolom & Roberts, 2011; Kaplan, 2000). Regular mealtimes can build trust between family members (Eisenberg et al., 2004), and enhance family cohesion (Giacoman, 2016).

FLOURISH | The Impact on Well-Being. The effects of embracing this recipe can be profound. Research indicates that strong, positive social connections are essential for our physical health and overall wellness. People with close friendships recover faster from illness, live longer, and experience a lower risk of dementia (Fowler & Christakis, 2008; Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010; Holtzman et al., 2004). The joy shared during family meals can be contagious, spreading positivity within the home.

On the other hand, social isolation and loneliness pose significant risks to our well-being. Loneliness can lead to health problems, depression, and even premature death (Miller, 2011). 

During the COVID-19 quarantine, my daughter Bella experienced anxiety and gloom. Most of each day was spent alone, completely disconnected from her friends and classmates. The kitchen saved her. She baked every day to find serenity, peace, and enjoyment. She became more independent, and biked solo to the market to buy ingredients for her creations. A few months later, she gained mastery and taught her friends how to bake over Zoom. These experiences boosted her mood and fostered a small community where she could talk about life and feel less alone. She transformed during a difficult time from a scared, anxious, and lonely girl into an independent and resilient young woman who creates her own reality. 

How Food Can Save Lives: The Stories of Ilona Kellner and Rachel Edri

Now, let's delve into how food can literally save lives. Ilona Kellner, a Holocaust survivor, shared her experiences of enduring unimaginable suffering during World War II. Her story highlighted the significance of shared meals during her time in concentration camps. In those dire circumstances, the act of sharing a morsel of food was not just a gesture of kindness but a lifeline to survival and a symbol of human connection. Ilona Kellner's story serves as a powerful testament to the life-saving potential of shared meals, even in the darkest of times.

Rachel Edri, an Israeli woman, made headlines by using her culinary and hospitality skills to diffuse a hostile and brutal situation. On October 7, 2023, when Hamas terrorists broke into her home, struck her across the face with the butt of a gun, and took her hostage, Rachel decided to take care of her captors. She offered them food, soda, and tea which helped calm them down. Over shared food, they engaged in conversation that transcended cultural divides. Through her actions, she demonstrated that food can serve as a bridge between people, even in the most challenging circumstances.

In a world where time is a precious commodity, it's easy to overlook the importance of shared meals in our lives. However, when we take a step back and recognize the role of family meals in enhancing relationships, building a strong family identity, and promoting well-being, it becomes clear that this tradition should not be relegated to the sidelines. I encourage each of us to revisit our own memories of family meals and consider the positive impact we can create within our own families.

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About the author | Michal Levison (C’22), founder of Seasoned Moments, helps companies build corporate culture using shared meals and positive psychology as the drivers for connection, collaboration, productivity, engagement, and well-being. She also serves as an Assistant Instructor at University of Pennsylvania. Levison, along with Drs. Paul Rozin and Patricia Pliner, just launched the first-ever study to determine whether and how shared meals impact relationships. Need a speaker, workshop, or wish to collaborate? You can reach Michal at mlevison@seasonedmoments.com