Which trait is more likely to increase your well-being: high self-esteem or a high level of self-compassion?

According to Kristin Neff, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and a pioneer of self-compassion research, it’s no contest. Self-compassion will serve you better in every circumstance.

That may be a startling conclusion to those of us who grew up in the era of grade inflation, positive affirmations untethered from reality, and a trophy for every kid on the sports team. “The biggest problem with self-esteem is that it is contingent on feelings of self-worth,” said Neff, speaking at the 2020 virtual MAPP Summit. She explains that when we fail, self-esteem tends to become unstable and desert us, leading to feelings of inadequacy.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, is much more stable over time than self-esteem, says Neff. It does not require us to judge ourselves in a particular way. Rather, self-compassion is about treating yourself nonjudgmentally, as you would treat a close friend who was struggling. So self-compassion provides all the benefits of self-esteem, with none of the pitfalls.

Neff also has advice for those who think that self-compassion undermines motivation and that they need to be hard on themselves in order to get things done. Self-criticism may work to some extent in motivating us, Neff admits. However, self-criticism also causes unintended consequences such as fear of failure, performance anxiety, and impaired self-confidence. By comparison, self-compassionate people have standards that are just as high, but they are not debilitated by the unintended consequences that get in the way of their motivation and keep them from reaching their goals.

Neff’s Model of Self-Compassion: Three Components, Two Energetic Sides

Society doesn’t encourage self-compassion. “You don’t grow up learning to be kind to yourself,” says Neff. The good news is that self-compassion can be taught, and you can learn to be a good friend to yourself even if it is not a part of your history.

It starts with recognizing the three elements of self-compassion:

• Self-Kindness entails providing warm acceptance, care, and understanding of yourself, as opposed to harsh judgment. Kindness is the motivational engine of self-compassion; it motivates you to help yourself and do something to alleviate your own suffering.

• Mindfulness is simply awareness of your own pain and struggles. Just a moment of mindfulness is all that is needed to be in contact with your painful feelings while at the same time not over-identifying with the pain.

• Common humanity recognizes your connectedness with others who suffer. We are all imperfect, and we all suffer at some point or another. While not all suffering is the same, all suffering is worthy of compassion.

Neff’s model also identifies two energetic sides of self-compassion, which she refers to as the yin and yang of self-compassion. These two sides must be in balance and integrated in order to achieve wholeness and well-being.

• The yin is yielding, soft, loving energy. Yin self-compassion is the healing power of self-compassion that allows us to soothe and comfort. Expressed in the context of the three components of self-compassion, the yin’s kindness aspect is loving and nurturing; its mindfulness aspect is presence; and its common humanity aspect is connected. Neff says that yin self-compassion is akin to the love a parent has for a child -- unconditional and tender.

• Yang self-compassion, by contrast, is a forceful, active, courageous, goal-oriented energy. Yang self-compassion is necessary at times to protect ourselves, provide for ourselves, or motivate different behaviors to alleviate our suffering. It is the “momma bear” in us that takes assertive action to meet our own needs. The yang’s kindness aspect is fierce and encouraging; its mindfulness aspect is truth and clarity; and its common humanity aspect is empowering and supportive. Neff points out that the “Me Too” and “Black Lives Matter” movements are motivated by yang self-compassion.

Busting Myths About Self-Compassion

Neff has been told that her research, which she has been conducting since 2003, is “boring” because every study shows that self-compassion is linked to “more good stuff and less bad stuff!” Indeed, self-compassion is reliably associated in the research with increases in life satisfaction, happiness, optimism, body appreciation, hope, and gratitude. It is likewise associated with reductions in depression, stress, perfectionism, shame, anxiety, disordered eating, and suicidal ideation.

People with higher levels of self-compassion show decreases in stress-related hormones and inflammation, while exhibiting enhanced immune functioning, better sleep quality, and fewer physical symptoms such as aches and colds. Research on combat veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan found that those who were more self-compassionate were less likely to experience PTSD and less likely to suffer from suicidal ideations. Soldiers’ level of self-compassion was a stronger predictor of whether or not they would get PTSD than actual combat experience.

Research by Neff and others in the field have also enabled the debunking of common myths about self-compassion.

To those who accuse self-compassionate people of being weak, Neff argues “self-compassion is like a super-power in our back pocket!” Her research shows that in times of struggle, self-compassion allows us to be stronger and more able to get through it.

To those who believe that self-compassionate people are selfish, Neff points out that “the more you give to yourself, through the practice of self-compassion, the more resources you have to give to others.” In other words, self-compassion is the opposite of selfishness.

To those who accuse self-compassionate people of being self-indulgent, Neff asserts that self-indulgent people focus on giving themselves short-term pleasure, which can cause long-term harm (think letting yourself eat junk food every day). On the other hand, the research shows that self-compassionate people take better care of themselves over the long term. They eat better, see the doctor more, exercise, practice safe sex, and follow other health and self-care guidance.

From a Positive Psychology perspective, self-compassion plays a unique role. “Self-compassion mixes the positive and the negative simultaneously,” says Neff. “It is aimed by definition directly at suffering. But as it encourages us to be with our negative emotions, wrapping them with love, encouragement, bravery, and other positive responses, self-compassion has the power to transform negative emotions into positive emotions.” You can’t have too much self-compassion, as long as it’s real, says Neff. After all, she points out, “Can you have too much health and well-being?”

For More Information

Neff’s website, self-compassion.org, provides a wealth of information, including articles, research instruments, guided meditations, self-compassion exercises, recommended reading, and related links. Through self-compassion.org you can also access information about an empirically supported 8-week training program called Mindful Self-Compassion, which Neff developed with colleague Chris Germer, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School. Neff’s new book, titled Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive, will be published in June 2021 and is available for pre-order where books are sold.

About the Author

Karen F. Deppa, MAPP, is principal of PilotLight Resilience Resources, through which she has developed a class called Respond with Resilience™ to help prevent behavioral health problems in the emergency services community. She is lead author of the 2016 Springer e-book Resilience Training for Firefighters: An Approach to Prevent Behavioral Health Problems. Karen and her family live on a farm in rural Montgomery County, Maryland.